In a previous article, I shared about a way to communicate effectively as an empath. I would like to continue that theme, and this article can apply to empaths, non-empaths, sensitives, many different expressions of the beauty that we all are.
I’d like to talk about keeping your center in your relationships with others. So often I hear friends talk about shifting away from their sense of themselves as they explore the ups and downs of relating. I’m not even limiting this to romantic relationships. I know dear friends who’ve talked about this in relationships with parents, friends, authority figures they admire greatly.
I think the empath can face a special challenge in this area, although I’ve also met many non-empaths who talk about “losing themselves” as they relate with others. If you have trouble keeping your sense of yourself, then it is that much harder to live authentically. You can’t be in your truth if you aren’t in yourself!
So, what can you do? Is it possible to maintain a sense of yourself as you get blown about by life and by your dealings with others? Yes, it’s possible. Is that something you want? Aha, now that’s a question I can’t answer for you, and the answer does matter. I can share with you ways I’ve personally used to successfully become more solid, more centered in myself, and these ideas are general enough that most of my readers can apply them for similar benefit. But if you have something holding you back from fully and truly WANTING to be more fully in yourself, your progress will be less.
If you aren’t sure you want to be more solid in yourself, and want to be less affected by the changes in your environment, then I invite you to look into it a bit on your own, and tune in for my next article, of course! If you ask yourself whether you’d like to feel more solid in yourself, and the answer is a big bold YES! – read on.
As I said, I’ve gained a greater sense of myself as an individual by putting these ideas into practice. Side effects include decreased unwanted empathic experiences, increased assertiveness, increased emotional freedom, and increased clarity. I have become better able to leave another’s feelings with them, which can help BOTH parties. It can help me to make decisions based on my values, and stay clear if I need to choose without the influence of their emotions.
Staying more firmly in myself can also help the people I’m around, as there are often soul teachings or personal teachings to be had from such an experience. By taking on more than my “fair share” of the emotion, I might interfere with the growth and progress of that other party.
Moving to a place where I can relate without losing myself helps me help others more effectively if they ask, and it helps me act from a purer space of service. It also helps me move through the dance of relationship without forgetting who I am. I’ve found these methods effective, and I hope they serve you as well as they have served me!
The first tip has to do with self and service. I gave myself the very uncomfortable goal of becoming more selfish, on purpose. It was uncomfortable because I was so self-sacrificing that I had unbalanced relationships. I was a big fan of being the martyr, of rescuing others even when I needed to do for myself more urgently. I put myself out there as the Good Samaritan, and ended up attracting people who wanted to use me. What’s worse, is I let them use me. Sure, there were upsides to it too, but my relationships were very unbalanced. I chose to change this, and began by making myself be more selfish.
I do not mean that I steal from people, or that I walk around saying hurtful things. I just mean I started to train myself to check inside and ask myself, what do I want here? What do I need right now? I’d spent so much time asking that question about other people, that it took some time to get used to asking it of myself.
And you know what? Sometimes I didn’t know the answer to the question. Sometimes I heard a big fat nothing, and wondered if something was wrong with me. I must have wants and needs, right? Shouldn’t an intuitive be able to hear them? 
The thing is, like I said, I had to take time adjusting to this new focus. In the beginning, I didn’t always get a clear response, because my inner self wasn’t used to the question – since I was so strongly focused on the world around me.
(1) So, the first tip I have for you to feel more solid in yourself is to become more selfish. If you dedicate yourself to this goal, and keep it up for a few weeks, you’ll almost certainly notice a change. If you prefer, you can think of this as becoming more self-focused. Begin to think of yourself more than the other person.
The next way I’ve discovered to help me be more solid in myself is to practice detachment. If I am paying close attention to another, more attention than I pay to myself, then I will find myself blown about by others’ moods. In my experience, empaths are often VERY tuned into others. Some of us learned we had to pay this super-close attention to others growing up. It served a positive purpose, but if you have reached a point where this super-close attention causes you pain, then I encourage you to rethink the choice to focus so thoroughly on others – if you focus more on others than yourself.
Now, I simply detach. Even if it is a relationship with someone I care for deeply, I have realized that I can relate with them from a more open, solid and authentic place by practicing detachment. If they are in a foul mood, I detach and THEN decide whether I will engage them. If they are in a foul mood, I may attempt to cheer them up, but if I am not detached from their presence, then I am FAR more likely to catch their mood and bring suffering to myself. By detaching I can make choices from a more centered place, and leave their feelings with them. I can attempt to influence their emotions from a more solid place, and accept more easily if they continue to choose heaviness.
(2) Practice detachment. Begin to think in terms of leaving others’ stuff with them and focusing your energy more on yourself. Think about what you can let go of. If you wish, you might even think of a phrase that will remind you to detach. Maybe if you are around a loved one who is having a rough time, you can say (silently) “Hers is hers, mine is mine,” to remind you to detach from their emotions. Try this throughout your day for three weeks or more, and notice whether you feel more solidly in yourself.
The next two tips have to do with lifestyle choices. I’ve noticed that developing a routine for physical exercise, along with individual interests, have both helped me greatly in becoming more centered. I think that the act of moving my physical form in this way has a mirror effect on my energetic form.
The notion is, if I am moving my physical body around separate from others, then my energy is also moving with my body – separate from others. In this way, physical exercise helps me be more centered in myself – because I have grown used to keeping my energy separate from the emotions of others around me. My energy can’t focus on their moods if it is forced to move with my physical body.
Empaths often leave their bodies easily – at least on the level of emotional energy. Physical movement forces you to keep your emotional level with your physical level.
(3) Develop a routine that gets your body moving. Even if it means simply taking a daily walk. I’ve noticed a stronger benefit if I am actually moving through my environment, but you may note a similar benefit if you are walking on a treadmill or using an exercise video in your own home.
The same idea is accomplished in a different way when you develop individual hobbies. I have noticed that my emotional level and mental levels are connected, and by focusing my mental level on something solitary, my emotional level has become better trained to stay within me. I changed my routine so that I regularly do something that others are not involved in directly, and noticed how this has improved my ability to stay centered. By requiring my mental level to complete a task that others cannot assist me with, I have trained my energy matrix to be more focused in myself – and less blown about by others.
(4) Take up a hobby you do alone. It does not have to be a hobby you do apart from other people, but it seems to work better if it is based on something you complete without others’ assistance. Gardening, writing, knitting, beading, and painting are a few examples of the sort of hobby I’m talking about. You can join a group or club where you are around others doing the same thing, but the act itself must be completed by you alone to have maximum benefit (in my experience).
If you’re curious, my personal choice has been to accomplish Tips 3 and 4 together as I have taken up martial arts. Martial arts requires me to move my physical body, and applying the techniques is something I must do by myself. I imagine yoga would be another method of applying tips 3 and 4 together.
The last tip I have for you is fairly obvious, but it’s amazing how often we forget to do this. It’s the simplest tip and the easiest to do – though sometimes it is also the hardest to do. I’m talking about breathing mindfully. Your unconscious does the amazing job of keeping you breathing whether you think about it or not, but when you pay attention to your breathing, you are automatically centered into yourself.
You can practice this last tip in the middle of an interaction, and if you combine this tip with #2 (practice detachment) you have an instant method to become more centered in yourself – and less at the mercy of the feelings expressed by the person you’re talking with.
(5) Breathe mindfully. Just notice the experience of yourself breathing in and out. It’s that simple!
I hope these tips will serve you well, if you are a sensitive person who has struggled with staying centered in your relationships with others. It is doable, though in some cases it will require “rewiring” your energy in a sense. Acting on these suggestions is a way to rewire your energy, as it changes how you use that energy. You deserve to feel more solid in yourself, and you deserve to stay centered in your relationships. If you have struggled with “losing yourself” in intimate relationships, I hope these tips serve you well.
I’ve discovered that many sensitive souls have trouble staying centered, and while these tips can definitely help, sometimes folks still find barriers – and I plan to address those next time. In the meantime, I’d love to hear from you! Do you have any tips of your own for staying centered? If you try these suggestions, how do they serve you?
Thanks to Ginger Baker, whose comment on a previous article inspired this topic!
